"When you think of a fierce conversation, think passion, integrity, authenticity, collaboration. Think cultural transformation. Think of leadership."
- Fierce Conversations, preface
"Never mistake talking for conversation."- Fierce Conversations, page 228
Every time you have a conversation with your employees, your partner, a friend or your child, the words you exchange define your relationship with them. The words you say, the ones you withhold; the thoughts, tone and feelings you convey are all elements that define your relationship with the other person. Too often, we hold back, or worse, allow ourselves to be distracted rather than giving the other person the respect of our complete presence. We need to remember that our conversations are our relationships, and we need to work hard to bring the fullness of ourselves to every conversation we have.
How can you begin to change the quality of your conversations with the people who matter in your life?
"Recognize that there is something within us that responds deeply to people who level with us, who do not pamper us or offer compromises but, instead, describe reality so simply and compellingly that the truth seems inevitable."- Fierce Conversations, page 19
Scott tells us, “you get what you tolerate”, and she pushes us to pursue deeper conversations that draw out the core truths, and address the underlying issues. You may suspect that there are issues in your team or organization, but if you only skim the surface and fail to deal with the deeper realities, you will never address the problem. She asks, “What are you pretending not to know?”
Scott provides a model called “Mineral Rights” (think “mining for gold”) plus lists of probing questions for engaging in effective one-on-one meetings with your team. Ask them to bring their most important issues to your meetings, and guide the conversations with your questions, not by telling them what to do. Try saying “What topic are you hoping I won’t bring up today?” or “If nothing changes, what is likely to happen?” and see what conversations unfold.
As real conversations begin, real emotions may emerge, and you need to be ready.
"Take responsibility for your emotional wake."- Fierce Conversations, page 187
When you show up and get real in your conversations, you have to be ready to manage the emotions that can be generated as a result. Digging deeper and being honest does not give you the right to simply unload blunt statements on the other person and end it there – you must slow down and think about the effect the conversation is having on them. Take time to complete the conversation.
Scott reminds us that each perspective needs to be honoured, and everyone shares in creating the full picture of reality in any given situation. She coaches us to use silence, noting “the more emotionally loaded the subject, the more silence is required.” Silence allows us to regroup, and create space for additional comments. Wait and see what else emerges.
“Being real is not the risk. The real risk is that:
I will be known.
I will be seen.
I will be changed.”
All of this talk about getting real or managing emotions may feel overwhelming to some, and unnecessary to others, but at the very least, I encourage you to think about any issues in your life you may be avoiding. What truths are keeping you from building meaningful connections in your life? What is holding you back in your conversations or keeping you from getting real with those who matter to you most?
Susan Scott is a best-selling author, popular and sought-after Fortune 100 public speaker, and renowned leadership development architect.Susan founded Fierce in 2001 after 13 years leading CEO think tanks, more than 10,000 hours of conversations with senior executives, and one epiphany: While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, or a life—any conversation can.Designing and delivering training for peers working with CEOs in 18 countries, Susan developed a sharp eye for what works and what doesn’t work in building profitable organizations.In 2002, after many requests, Susan decided to share her insights in a book. The result was the award-winning Fierce Conversations—Achieving Success at Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time. Published in four countries, it was recognized on The Wall Street Journal and United Press International bestseller lists and named one of USA TODAY’S top 40 business books of 2002.While working on sustainability with her clients, Susan had another “a-ha” moment. She realized many of the “best” practices in organizations were continuously getting in the way of success; yet, surprisingly, they remained unquestioned. This led to her second book—Fierce Leadership: An Alternative to the Worst “Best” Practices of Business Today. Published in 2009, it was recognized on The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times bestseller lists and was one of USA TODAY’S top 40 business books of 2009.A thought leader in the global business community and recipient of the 2008 Stevie award for Entrepreneur of the Year, Susan Scott has been challenging people to say the things that can’t be said for over two decades. She enables top executives worldwide to engage in vibrant dialogue with one another, with their employees, and with their customers.When Susan is not traveling the world delivering keynotes and developing great leaders, she resides in Seattle, Washington.
